“If I’m sitting upright, I’m doing okay.”
That’s my new answer to the question, “How are you?”
If, instead, you ask, “How ARE you?” then my answer will be, “If I’m sitting upright, I’m doing okay. If I’m NOT upright, I’m doing okay, too.”
It may sound like a subtle difference, but I assure you, it is HUGE.
The only reason I mention it, is that it has come to my attention that some people don’t know quite what to say to me, or to anyone else facing a terminal illness. Everyone is different, of course, but I can only say, speak from your heart. Then my reaction doesn’t matter. I will either laugh, cry or be amused, but I will love you for your honesty.
If you want to ask a specific question about my condition–ask me.
If you want to tell me what’s happening in your life (good or bad)–tell me. (And for Heaven’s sake don’t think your problems are insignificant next to mine. Poppycock! Yours are just different, that’s all!)
If you want to tell me that you’re thinking about me, but don’t know what else to say–I’ll guide you.
If you wonder how I’m handling things–ask.
If you want to tell me how sad or angry you are that this is happening–express it.
If you want to send me your love–send it.
If you want to watch from afar–watch.
If you want to tell me about your loved one who has died–tell me.
Say to me now what you would have said to me before I got sick: I am the same person!
In other words, be who you are. That’s all I ask. Again, no matter what my reaction may be, (as I feel free to express my heart), I love you. If I cry, let me cry. If I laugh, expect me to snort. If I am tired and can’t engage, I’ll say so. But no matter what my reaction, I will not put you out of my heart.
Besides, what is there to be afraid of? Me? You? I don’t think so!
If my condition can help you more fully appreciate your own, then we are both blessed.
So drop in anytime, via any method you choose, even thoughts. You are welcome here–exactly as you are.
Laurian & Gayle Holding Each Other Upright!
Dear Gayle,
Nice to hear from you.We all fear the unknown. I have a healthy respect when it is my turn to face the Good Lord. The prayer The Our Father is a little formal. A better translation should be Dad. A parent loves their child even when they are naughty. All the child has to say is “I’m sorry Dad & like any good father he takes it to his bosom because he is a perfect Dad.
My troubles are insignificant Gayle, as being in my 80’s there is a lot of maintenance required . I keep collapsing especially in church & despite 4 days in hospital with many tests like M.R.I.’s they cant find the cause. If I still keep on having them it is a good sign, it means I am still here. I have been doing this since I was ten.
Oremus Pro Invicem,
Luv, Pat.
Hi Pat,
I love the Dad idea. Does make God more approachable! Of course, I approach Him with great love and respect. He is my maker! Your problems don’t sound so insignificant to me, so am glad you’re still upright!
Bless you and Margaret,
Gayle
what a wonderful picture of you two
thanks for sharing
love ya
The next picture should be of the three of us!
Hi Gayle,
The first thing I thought of when reading this is what you said later in the writhing “Be who you are”. Great advice. I always think you should always be who you are ESPECIALLY for someone going through their issues because that’s more than likely why that person wanted you in their life. Soooooo with that said I’m sending you 6 laughs for today and good energy to top it off. Happy Sunday
I’ll see your laughs and raise you 6 more! My love to a master at being who you are. By the way, did you hear how my East Coast friends came in to meet you on your day off!
Gayle….once again, you blow me away…..I’m saying to myself, “I want to be exactly like her when I die!” Which of course reveals to me that I want to be as much myself as you are yourself; as I live…..I don’t have to wait until I’m dying to be ASTOUNDING!!!!!! Woman, you lift me up, and inspire me more than any person I’ve personally known. WOW…..thank you for keeping me upright.
I’ll be calling you soon about that promised picnic!!!! Loving you, Francie
Hi Francie, You are ASTOUNDING already. If you don’t already know that, the whole world will be happy to tell you so! Thanks for your generous words! Hope you’re loving your new home!
I miss you and love you so much. Thank you for holding me upright when last we saw you. I’m hoping to come and see you again in the near future.
You are always in my thoughts, and I know you are the bravest person I know.
Love, Laurian
Hi Laurian…I’m not so brave, you’ll find out yourself one day that this is part of the gift of life we’ve been given. Take your time, however! I love you too!
Gayle,
This is so beautiful, and I needed it very much!
I started a three-year grad program in transpersonal counseling psychology last year, to become a therapist, while I am right in the midst of my own existential crisis: I am prone to incredible bouts of grief over the eventual death of those who are close to me, and have unpredictable reactions to news of actual death. I know this is a normal part of development, but it feels so overwhelming, and I worry that I won’t know how to say what needs to be said to whomever needs to hear it.
Your post reminded me that not saying what I feel because I am worried about what someone will think cheats both of us out of a heart connection. Being who we are allows us to move in grace.
Many blessings to you, and to your sister, my friend, for sharing your words.
Nicole
Wow! You’ve written some powerful words. Your clients will be blessed to have you be you. That will help them do the same if they choose. That will give them strength and courage. Bless you and your important work!
Beautiful post, a great teaching on how to be with the terminally ill, something I never learned growing up. Death was a tragedy. My dad when I was a baby, a beloved neighbor when I was 15, a girlfriend when I was 18, my father-in-law when I was 20, my grandmother at 24. I was done with death. HA! Much later I spent nearly two decades anticipating my mother’s death. When she died at 102, I was shocked. How can that be? She was terminally ill. But you remind us that we are all terminal and we can just be ourselves.
Really, being ourselves is the only thing we ever can be! Just nice to have a reminder once in a while! Thanks for your comment.
Dear Gayle,
I’m Sharon & BJ’s friend, met you at the Christmas concert. Having also been diagnosed with a “terminal” cancer, and currently being in remission as you were for some time, I want you to know that your posts have been so enlightening and comforting to me. I wish you peace and comfort as you travel this treatment road. You are in my prayers, and we are all so grateful that you take the time and effort to share your insights with us along your way.
Hi Misty, Thank you for your sharing–open and honest. This is what I’m talking about! May you keep your spirits up during whatever journey you are led to travel. I’m happy my blog posts given you comfort. That’s a gift to me! Blessings.
That was simply beautiful, Gayle. I heard your voice all the way through it and saw your face and had tears in my eyes while there was a smile on my face…nodding my head…Yes! Yes!
By the way….I was going to call today (Sunday) to ask you what kind of cheese you prefer in your Macaroni & Cheese…but just made it with 4 cheeses and I will be dropping it off tomorrow (Monday). It will be in the late morning…early afternoon. If you are not there I will leave it in a box on the bench by the front door. Oh yes, with homemade applesauce , too!
Love you so much…
Karen Coffey
If you are laughing and crying at the same time, we have both been successful! Yes! Yes!
You certainly were sitting upright today in every way and in fact gave me a stronger foundation to stand on! Thank you for sharing your healing and beautiful heart with me.
You are so easy to share with! We have held each other up during the years–don’t suppose we’re going to stop now!
Yes! We ARE okay, through and through, and bless you sweet Gayle for reminding us of this. No matter where we are in life (and I mean life as it extends before birth and after death)we’re just getting better and more illumined from that stillpoint of serenity and light that is within everything. And we’re moving forward, arm-in-arm, companions for the journey. We’re good, aren’t we! There may well be a part of us that gets knocked flat, but there is a whole other part of us that just keeps on dancing! -Rita
Yes, we are good, aren’t we! I could never have said it better! We are also okay, through and through. What a sad life to believe otherwise. But, of course, if you ever forget, you can ask Christina. (For my other readers, Rita has written a book about Christina, her cow who gives sage advice between cud chews!) It’s delightful and worth reading. Let’s dance!
Great picture. Sometimes we wish we could be there holding you upright on the other side. But I think Mike covers that side most of the time. We had a great visit with Cathy. She came down a week ago and spent a couple of nights with us. We are envious that she’ll be seeing you and Mike in a few days. Have a great time together.
Tell Mike to give you a hug from us.
Sending you our love!!!!!
Liz
Hi Liz, Thanks for the love! Yes, Mike does hold me upright. I get such strength from him. Can’t wait to see Cathy. She will be here tomorrow night. Yay! Hope all is well with you and yours. Love, Gayle
I love this blog, Gayle. You’re so wise and compassionate. I think your words can help so many people faced with illness. Have a beautiful day. Love,
Canda
Thanks, Canda. I would love it if my words help others. Life is tough enough without a little help from our friends once in a while!
It was so good to see you at breakfast, Gayle. You are a blessing to us all for your forthright honesty and caring ways, your humor, and your helping us face whatever it is that the Universe places in front of us as part of life. Sometimes your words touch my funnybone, but they always touch my heart.
Hi Joyce, My words couldn’t help but touch your heart–it is large, loving one! Thank you for stopping in!
Thank you Gayle, for giving the freedom to be just who we are. You are awesome and I have learned so much from your words of wisdom. You and Mike continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
Cindy
Thank you Cindy. You are freedom itself!
I have to tell you, Gayle,. as I was reading down all the incredibly caring and supportive comments left by those who love you (including me!)so much, that I could feel this tremendous sense of “family” just holding you so close, such a grand feeling, such a beautiful circle around you! We really do live within each other’s hearts, don’t we!
with Love, Rita
Hi Rita,
One of the blessings (of many) I have received during the past two years has been the outpouring of love that has come my way. I have been brought to tears many times by the goodness of people. It is so humbling! My love to you, too!
If you read this once, you will become more aware, compassionate, truthful. If you read this twice, you will celebrate love’s ultimate victory. On the third time, it’ll talk in color.
I love you and hope you are feeling better.
xoxooxx
Liz
Hi Liz, Life’s ultimate victory–now there’s a phrase that only the best of poets would share. Very nice, colorful girl. Must have been a big bug, but I’m hanging in here! Love and smooches!
I think what makes it hard for people is that we don’t realize how lucky we are to be healthy and how we wish we could guarantee that we could make sure you had the same. I so hope you beat this and I’m very happy that you have such a large, loving, supportive network of friends.
I think it’s natural to forget about one’s health when everything is going fine, but I also think it’s a good idea to appreciate it along the way! Makes one happy to be alive–which I am!
PROUD TO HAVE YOU AS MY CUZ. YOU’RE AN INSPIRATION TO ME. ISH XOXO
THANK YOU! May we stay upright together for a long time yet!
A new friend’s former husband has pancreatic cancer. I looked up you web page to send to her hoping she could be inspired and comforted by your writings. Now I see your cancer has returned. Bummer. But the good news is that you are still writing wonderful, thought provoking words. I enjoy them, thank you.
Laurie Hallum
Thank you for your kind words, Laurie, and sharing my blog. Pancreatic cancer is a bummer–but so is any kind of cancer! It’s possible to live through it, however. May he be a survivor!