Mike’s daughter, my daughter, too, in my heart, sent me a card yesterday. Along with her long-distance words of love and support, she asked me a simple question, a true question, an innocent question. She asked, “Are you scared?”
My first response was, “Absolutely not! What is there to be scared of?”
But because I hadn’t examined that question before, I looked to see if I could possibly be scared and not know it.
I’m not scared of dying, but I don’t want to.
I’m not scared of losing my strength and vitality, as I already am losing them, and I still love life.
I’m not scared of pain, as I’ve already had plenty, and it passes.
I’m not scared of leaving behind the activities I love, as I’ve lived fully and passionately and am full.
I’m not scared of dark emotions, as I don’t dwell there.
I’m not scared of having regrets, as I’ve done the best I could along the way.
I’m not scared of leaving my husband, as we are bonding even closer now, and will always have our love in our hearts.
I’m not scared of leaving my sister, as I will never leave her.
I’m not scared of leaving any of my loved ones, as I will always love them.
I’m not scared of what lies beyond, as I know I am safe in the hands of my maker.
But, and perhaps this is the most important of all, as it has taken me a lifetime to learn:
I am no longer scared of not being good enough!
So, there, sweet Elise, there is my answer. Thank you for asking.
I cannot be scared of dying if I am not scared of living!
Beautiful Elise with her beautiful Dad
Well sated. We share the same outlook on life. I amost anticipate the unknown with excitement and curiousity both, but I know we are all in “good hands” and that brings me peace of mind.
Your music reflects the peace you feel inside! It, and you, are beautiful.
As always, your insights fill my heart.
Thank you. I’m glad your heart is full!
Beautiful post, Gayle. You touch my heart. Thank you for sharing your life and wisdom with us, touching us in the most important of ways.
Yesterday I had two screws taken out of my heel, requiring an outpatient surgery. Not pleasant, but I actually enjoyed the process in the hospital because I had learned not to be scared. I also had acupuncture tabs on the tranquillity points and a friend or two praying for me. But mostly I had just learned over this past year not to be scared. I felt safe.
But I still get scared…I still have regrets. (In fact, I wrote a post recently about just that. Was it you who asked me to post my blog address? The post, Regret or Grace is at http://www.marthagoudey.com). I am becoming less scared and less likely to indulge in self-pity in the face of your story, the stories of those dismembered in the Boston attacks and those who lost their lives, and in the face of my friends who have recently lost their husbands to cancer and MS. None of us are making it out alive, but your sharing is making the death accessible and less frightening. Thank you. Bless you.
Hi Martha, Yes it was me asking you to share your blog information–thank you for doing so. My readers would enjoy reading your posts. I think the longer we live in this world, the easier it is to realize that negative emotions drain us of our good, and who wants to be empty! We also come to realize that the best we can do for ourselves and others who are suffering is to offer our love. That’s what gives the greatest solace. Thank you for dropping in!
Beautifully said, Gayle.
Thanks!
… and “beautiful” Gayle, (and wise, and brave, and strong …)
Thank you, Pamela!
You are sooooooooooooo beautiful!
Now isn’t that something my husband would say! Thank you, Sweetheart!
Amen!
And Hallelujah!
Wise sentiments, Gayle. A lady who has lived well and faced serious health issues, you have put priorities in order. I cherish you… and your wisdom and the ripple effect it has on so many, including me. Namaste-
Happy to increase your happy!
Perfect. Love and prayers, Sharon
Thank you, Sharon!
Gayle,
I love this one! Your thoughts are a guiding light. When I get in a tangle, I just read your blog and it sets me straight again!
Thanks, Terry. Glad to be of service. 🙂
Gayle,
FIRST let me say this…OMG that was beautiful. Love the WHOLE thing but REALY love “I cannot be scared of dying if I am not scared of living!” Incorporating that with not worrying about what others think of me as long as I’m living life right and not hurting anyone has made life that much better for me. I try to share this with everyone in my life, so it’s nice to read about it from you.
I have been meaning to post responses to your last two post but when I would write it and get ready to post it you had posted a new one. LOL Today I’m going to be a little late getting back from my lunch break but it will be worth it and at least this time I will get to post my comment even if it is “my personal assistant” SIRI writing it for me. LOL Thank you for sharing and good energy sent your way.
Your Leonard
Hi Leonard, Thank you for sharing who you are! Without it, you would not have helped me so much along my journey as you have, and continue to do. Hopefully, I will see you next week when I return to SF. You can’t know how much joy you give me by being who you are without fear!
Beautiful response, Gayle. You are going to be missed deeply. Thank you for sharing these comforting (and often humorous!) writings and thoughts.
Thanks, Sara. I so enjoy sharing a little bit of who I am!
“I am no longer scared of not being good enough”. Oh, Gayle…hooray! I know how important that is for you (I attended your journal writing class and you mentioned your epiphany and we have talked since).
There are so many of us that share that self-imposed torture. Pardon me if it seems harsh (torture) but I lived with it, as well….and it kept my true nature at bay…when it should have been soaring.
Thank you. Thank you for helping to set those of us with this afflication, free…..and yourself. Love to you, my dear wonderful friend.
Karen
Yay! Freedom is not highly over-rated!
You have left me almost speechless this time and as you know that’s hard to do. You never cease to inspire and amaze me. Your heart must be so full with all the love that so many of us feel for you. Big Hugs!
Hi Debbie, Yes, my heart is full and overflowing! Feels good, as you must know from your own overflowing heart!
Gayle – Your feelings are beautifully articulated and heartfelt. Thank you for leaving your wisdom and knowledge that life is a journey to be cherished. Also for sharing what you were able to create while you’re here. LOVE, and lots of light.
Thank you, Judi, for your comments. You go to the head of the class if you’re reading in my words that life is to be cherished! How blessed we are to exist!
As usual, you blow my mind in a very good way. Have to “fess” up. I am scared and confused and on a search to find the peace you have. I’ll keep trying, through my reading, friends, mentors, hare krisna friends, just kidding (I think) I will keep searching and trying, I hope I “get it” soon. I find so few people who have articulated, as you have, how to conquer the fear. Tanks, Cuz. xoxo Ish
Dearest Cuz,
All I can say is to give up the search and see who you already are! You’ll be as delighted to know yourself as I am to know you!
the Creator of your body and soul knows you well, and loves you. come drink the living water.
love ya
I’m counting on it! Sip, sip…
We all fear the unknown. However when a child is naughty a parent still loves it & forgives it.Our perfect Heavenly Father loves us & all we have to do is to return that love & say we are sorry if we have offended him.
Libera nos a malo.
Maybe as I get closer to that unknown I’ll fear it. For now, I know I am loved and will be taken care of. And I am sorry if I’ve offended him–or anybody! Thanks for writing, Pat.
Absolutely wonderful! I made a copy for myself. I hope Mike will put it on his facebook page. Inspiring.
Hi Liz, Thank you! Mike said he posted it on his facebook page. Hope you do, too.
I’m less afraid with u on the planet. I’m also more alive with you in my life.
You are my heart, Liz! This planet is to explore, appreciate and relish–fully alive!
Your writings are so tender Friend you so inspire me. Do I need copyrights to send that to my loved ones. You are very special my dear friend. We get home next week and I still want to get with you. Go to chemo and just do what we need to do. Lets Celebrate Friendship!!!!!!!!!
Hi Friend. I would love to have you share my blog with others. Just send them the link @ http://www.gaylemadden.com. Let me know when you’re home.
Gayle, you are so brave! I am honored to know you, thank you for sharing so much of your heart.
Sweet, Pam, thank you. We all must be brave one day. It’s just that it’s my turn. 🙂
I’m thrilled. I’m finally published!!!! You do so much to improve the quality of life and living, I wish I could send something to you that would brighten your existence….like chocolate or champagne or a pretty t-shirt or flipflops. If you get a hankering, you just “call out my name” NO, despite the fact that James Taylor is my neighbor, I can’t deliver him or George Clooney to you. But chocolate is doable, or a facial, or a Brazilian wax, a pedicure, caviar, a prime steak, I would be thrilled to repay you for your wonderful contributions to the world. I know it is not necessary but would love to do it. Oh, and I forgot thong underwear. Ish xoxoxo
I’m so glad you forgot thong underwear!
Actually, James Taylor wouldn’t be too bad, either.
But I’ll settle for the dinner you already made for Mike and me when we visited you at your beautiful home. I’ll also settle for the “I’m thrilled….” that you’re announcing to the world. That is my balm.
Blown away AGAIN by your wisdom and courage, by your faith and strength, and by your love of yourself and others.
Scared? Heck yes, I’m scared, but when I read your blog, I noticed my pulse and heart rate slowing down by the end of reading it…..it’s calming to listen to someone who is pondering this vividly, consciously, and transparently.
I’m so choked up by your piercing, fierce, head-on look at life….your writings do more than touch me….they grip me, throw me down, and wrestle me on the ground. I’m always pummeled, but in a “hurts so good” way….I get up, brush myself off, and am more healthy, open and loving than before. Thank you for making such an amazing, awesome, and everlasting difference in my life. I love you, Francie
My goodness! So touched that you are so touched. You inspire me to write more! As far as the wrestling: Who is winning? Who is losing? Who is aware of both?
Hugs,
Gayle
Dearest Gayle…your words touched my heart and struck a chord. It is comforting to those of us who care about you and this journey you are on that you can express yourself so eloquently and honestly. What a good example you are of courage, faith and love! I continue to lift you up in prayer and pray not only for your health, but also for you to continue to feel God’s presence and peace. Thank you for YOU. Lovingly, Sandi
Hmmm, I wondered who it was that was raising me so high! 🙂 Thank you Sandi for your prayers and good wishes. I can’t imagine going through this without God’s peace to see me through! He is here, every step of the way.
Blessings,
Gayle
Dearest Gayle,
I want you to know how you have touched my life. When we first moved to Redding and Ryan was an 8th grader, you made him feel comfortable and welcomed in his new surrounding. Thank you for that. My husband Ken still remembers with great fondness helping build dog houses that you and your class donated to Forever Pets. As a new employee at Pacheco all those years ago, you made me feel welcomed with that warm smile of yours!I carry you in my heart and I think of all the kind things you have done for so many along the way. If there is ANYTHING I can do for you or your family during this part of your journey, please let me know. I will help in any way you need. Some people walk in and out of your life… Others leave footprints all over your heart… Much love to you, Gayle… xoxox Laurie
Hi Laurie,
Thank you for your fond memories and loving outreach. As far as doing anything for me, you just did! How nice to know one’s efforts have spread joy. What could be sweeter!
My best to all of you!
I was so glad to see you today. I discussing here and came across this beautiful response to a often difficult question. Thank you. Barbara
Hi Barbara, Just want you to know that the tender hug you gave me was my day’s highlight!