I’m scared.
I know, I once wrote a post that said I’m not, but I discovered last night that I am.
Oh, I’m still not scared of dying.
I’m still not scared of the unknown that lies in wait for me.
I’m still not scared that I may cease to exist one day.
Rather, I’m scared.
Of what?
Who knows?
Space or Bust!
It reminds me of the time many years ago when NASA wanted to send a teacher into space. I wanted to go. I sent for my application and was certain they would select me. When the application came, it stated that to apply, one must have completed five years of teaching. I was in my fifth year, so therefore did not qualify. I was terribly disappointed–to the point of childishly considering”fudging” just a bit on my application. Thankfully I caught hold of myself and threw the application away instead.
Later I began to wonder. How could someone (Moi) ride into space if I’m too afraid to ride roller coasters? So to prove to myself that I could do what it would take, even though I could no longer be considered, I began riding roller coasters–and began enjoying them. You may say to yourself, ‘Ah, mind over matter.’ But I’ll tell you the real secret.
As I stepped into the tiny metal propulsion machine (or so I pretended) I cinched down the seat belt until my lap complained, grasped the bar in front of me until my knuckles turned bloodless and white, and gave one last pleading prayer of promising to turn over the proverbial leaf if I was brought back safely. I was scared and my stomach knotted but I was ready to go.
And then, guess what? I discovered how to enjoy the ride instead of being afraid. How did I do that? By opening my eyes.
The “Eyes” Have It
Always before my eyes had been closed and the blind anticipation of expecting something to go wrong had kept me in a state of terror. Now, I faced that careening out-of-control landscape whipping by in front of me with eyes wide open, and I enjoyed the thrill of the ride.
So, what about this being scared thing that is bubbling around right now? Has it been due to anticipation that something will go wrong? That’s crazy. Something has gone wrong. Has it been due to closing my eyes and not facing the truth? I don’t think so. Believe me, it’s next to impossible to ignore this condition.
What then?
I don’t know.
But I guarantee you, I will climb into this flesh and bone propulsion machine with my eyes wide open, facing my inner fears and enjoying the thrill of the ride. After all, if I indeed have what it takes to venture into outer space, I must have what it takes to venture into inner space.
And if you tell me in the future that you see that I am no longer scared of roller coasters, don’t be surprised if I answer, “Am too!”
I’m very glad you didn’t take that ride into space as I wouldn’t have known you, sung in your home, thumbs up or down in choir learning to sing, read your delightful blog, or bought your book which for the present is my daily inspiration. Thanks for sharing joys, choices, and fears.
Me, too. In this case, honesty paid. 🙂 Now that I see what qualifications were required, I wouldn’t have been selected anyway. But the experience taught me what I needed to know about facing one’s fears.
I’m very glad you didn’t take that ride into space as I wouldn’t have known you, sung in your home, thumbs up or down in choir learning to sing, read your delightful blog, or bought your book which for the present is my daily inspiration. Thanks for sharing joys, choices, and fears.
I’m also very glad Rob didn’t take the ride either.
WOW. Thanks for speaking for me. Again….Love you so, Francie
Funny how all of us seem to experience basically the same things in life, isn’t it? Thanks goodness love for each other is one of those.
Great post! Keeping our eyes open and facing the truth is great advice for all of us. I know I tend to be an ostrich at times, and it always comes back to bite me in the rear. Life really is a roller coaster, isn’t it? May we all learn to appreciate both the highs and the lows of it. Your blog is always such a joy to read, and helps to remind me that regardless of how low you go, there’s always something to live for. Thank you, sweet Gayle! xoxo
I think your ostrich comparison would make a grand story. Maybe it’s time for you to write yours? 🙂 But you are right, there is always something to live for. Especially if you have love in your life.
After reading your book and also these blogs – I KNOW you have what it takes to venture into inner space.
Okay, but let’s keep it between you and me, shall we? Ha Ha I know you can venture inside, too, sweet friend.
And you do have Love in many forms. I know I love you 🙂 for one of many many. So when you feel afraid to close your eyes and imagine all the hugs all of the people who know and love you are sending your way. Your reference to the roller coaster ride reminds me of the movie parenthood when the old grandma parentheses who is living in the household (like the grandma on the Waltons toi, funny they never used the word codependency in those days) when listening to her daughter in law and her son argue about the upcoming birth of yet another child interjected ” I kind of like the ups and downs of life, I’ll take the roller coaster ride anyday”
Just think of all we learn when not living a flat smooth line in life!
Big Hug your way Gayle, Love yoy!
You always such sweet things, Bobbie. Thank you. I’m not afraid to close my eyes at night, though. I can’t wait to do so. I just try to keep them that way. 🙂 And you’re right, I am learning so many things this roller coaster ride has to offer. A flat smooth line might look a little attractive for a while, however.